Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program

The Onion breaking news on a major addition to Bank of America’s credit card portfolio::

“We’re excited to bring our customers an easy, incentivized program wherein the more they spend with their Existential Rewards credit card, the more meaning they gain in their lives,” said Bank of America spokeswoman Miranda Behr, who added that with no foreign transaction fees and an introductory zero-percent APR, racking up an abiding sense of purpose was as easy as earning three self-realization points for every dollar spent, plus double fulfillment at grocery stores and restaurants.

Yeah, but can you buy Vanilla Reloads with it?

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